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Hamburglar Enters Rehab After Attacking Mayor McCheese // Atomic Icebox

hamburglarAfter spending the weekend in jail for allegedly eating a portion of Mayor McCheese’s head, the Hamburglar, longtime McDonald’s mascot, checked himself into an undisclosed Malibu rehab facility this morning. He briefly spoke to reporters before entering the facility.

“It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with my addiction to burgers for years now. But after eating a large portion of longtime friend Mayor McCheese’s head this weekend, I realize I’ve hit rock bottom,” said the Hamburglar. “Robble robble robble,” he added.

The incident occurred Friday evening at Le Sheik, a popular Los Angeles night club. According to eyewitness reports, the Hamburglar was seated at the bar with Ronald McDonald, Grimace and McCheese when he began to shout. Kelly Travis, a patron of the club, said she heard a loud crash and turned to see the Hamburglar pouncing on McCheese.

“It took both Ronald and Grimace to pull the Hamburglar off, and when they did, I saw a large chunk was missing from McCheese’s head,” said Travis.

According to Travis, Grimace detained the Hamburglar while waiting for police to arrive. McDonald attempted to calm McCheese, who looked panic-stricken.

“McCheese’s head was covered in what I thought was blood. I later realized it was fancy ketchup,” said Travis.

McCheeseWhile the Hamburglar was taken into police custody, McCheese was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center at approximately 2 a.m., where doctors began treating him for multiple bite wounds. A
hospital spokesperson confirmed McCheese had to undergo several ketchup transfusions and will likely need a professional baker to reconstruct portions of his head. He is listed in serious but stable condition.

Ronald McDonald briefly discussed the attack at an early morning press conference, saying he would stay by the Hamburglar’s side.

“I’ve seen my friend battle a burger addiction for years, and it hasn’t been easy for him. And I’m not going to abandon him during this difficult time. Lord knows he stood by my side during the Arch
Deluxe debacle and when those Fry Kids came forward with those heinous allegations,” said McDonald.

The Hamburglar’s downward spiral is not the first run-in the Mac Pack has had with the tabloids. Last year, Birdie the Early Bird’s mental health was questioned by tabloids after she plucked all the feathers off her head and behaved erratically at numerous events. Two days after accidentally exposing herself while getting out of her limo at the MTV Video Music Awards, she checked herself into a Los Angeles rehab facility.

Grimace, Ronald McDonald’s longtime comic foil, has dodged repeated questions about his sexuality after he was spotted canoodling in Cancun last summer with Subway spokesman Jared Fogle.

The Hamburglar will face a hearing on December 17, where he will likely plead guilty to assault charges. While refusing to further elaborate on the incident with McCheese, he did wish his longtime friend a speedy recovery.

“I wish him all the best. Mayor McCheese is a wonderful person with a positive attitude, an uplifting spirit, a delicious ground beef patty, delicately diced onions, melted cheese…oh God, what’s wrong with me?” said the Hamburglar as he began to weep. “Robble robble robble,” he sobbed.

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