(Washington, D.C.) In a unanimous vote Tuesday evening, all 100 members of the U.S. Senate voted in favor of a controversial health
care reform bill after President Barack Obama promised anyone voting “aye” would receive a Google Wave invite.
In addition to many Republicans vowing to not cede health care reform efforts to Democrats, Senate Democrats faced deep divisions within their ranks over the 2,074-page, $849-billion bill. However, that all changed Tuesday evening after President Obama enticed Senate members with invites to Google Wave, a personal communication and collaboration tool designed to merge e-mail, instant messaging, wikis and social networking.
“He’s been flaunting those Google Wave invites for over a month now, but he’s only given out a couple to a select few who have agreed to regurgitate the administration’s talking points,” said a Republican senator, speaking anonymously. “I believe the health care reform legislation we’ve passed will doom this country, but it’s a Google Wave invite! People can see me type in real time!”
Political pundits are calling Obama’s Google Wave strategy the smartest political ploy since President George W. Bush was re-elected in 2004 after promising a Gmail invite for every vote.
After spending the weekend in jail for allegedly eating a portion of Mayor McCheese’s head, the Hamburglar, longtime McDonald’s mascot, checked himself into an undisclosed Malibu rehab facility this morning. He briefly spoke to reporters before entering the facility.
“It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with my addiction to burgers for years now. But after eating a large portion of longtime friend Mayor McCheese’s head this weekend, I realize I’ve hit rock bottom,” said the Hamburglar. “Robble robble robble,” he added.
The incident occurred Friday evening at Le Sheik, a popular Los Angeles night club. According to eyewitness reports, the Hamburglar was seated at the bar with Ronald McDonald, Grimace and McCheese when he began to shout. Kelly Travis, a patron of the club, said she heard a loud crash and turned to see the Hamburglar pouncing on McCheese.
“It took both Ronald and Grimace to pull the Hamburglar off, and when they did, I saw a large chunk was missing from McCheese’s head,” said Travis.
I recently met Bryan Murdaugh, a Catholic dad, youth minister, songwriter and musician living in Irmo, S.C. And by “met” I mean “accidentally ran over with my car.” Bryan agreed to not sue me if I would plug his new album, Twenty-Nine, which will be available November 17 at www.bryanmurdaugh.com. While I’m used to interviewing huge stars like Jon and Kate Gosselin, Paula Abdul and Miley Cyrus, I agreed to help this struggling artist, who was struggling to remove his leg from under my back right tire when we made the agreement. In hindsight, we should have discussed the deal after I moved my car off of him.
Atomic Icebox: Let’s pretend I’m an alien who has just arrived on your planet. Out of all the available music, why should I listen to your new album, Twenty-Nine?
Bryan Murdaugh: Wow. Well, I’d say that…
AI: I’m sorry, but you’re being rude. While you might think you’re making eye contact, you’re actually staring at where my species’ rear end is located. My eyes are located here [points to stomach].
Murdaugh: Um, I’m sorry. [Stares at my stomach] I would say that you should listen to my album because…
AI: Actually, I can’t understand a word you’re saying. My species doesn’t speak English, and we communicate psychically. You’re going to have to telepathically communicate your answer without thinking in English.
Murdaugh: [Stares blankly at me]
AI: I see. Good answer! To promote your new album, you’ve agreed to provide a free house concert to anyone who requests it. I just pre-ordered your album as a gift for my cousin. Would you be willing to play at her bat mitzvah?
Murdaugh: Sure. I’ll have to find some good Old Testament songs.
AI: Let’s talk about your new album, Twenty-Nine. How come I’ve never heard of your previous 28 albums?
Murdaugh: They were only released in Prague.
(Washington, D.C.) With the entire world watching, Eric Schultz, a time traveler from the year 2034, warned his past self not to purchase a Zune MP3 player during a historic White House press conference Wednesday.
“On November 3, 2009, my present self will purchase a Zune HD 32 GB Video MP3 Player,” said Schultz, causing over 200 shocked reporters to gasp in disbelief. “I come here to urge my present self to avoid this unthinkable action.”
Schultz went on to describe how the fateful purchase slowly ruined his life.
“My girlfriend, Shelly, ended up leaving me a few days later, and even though she said it was her and not me, I know it had something to do with the Zune,” said a solemn Schultz. “I’m convinced that if it wasn’t for the Zune, we would have gotten married.”
Schultz said he never ended up getting married, which he also blamed on the Zune.
“My best shot at meeting women is at the gym, which is where I met Shelly. No woman there would ever consider dating the kind of monster who listens to a Zune that he pathetically tries to disguise as an iPod by using white earbuds,” said Schultz.
Schultz, a writer for a popular electronics magazine, also blamed the Zune for ruining his career.
“Who is going to take a Zune owner’s product reviews seriously?” asked a distraught Schultz. “Now I’m a 38-year-old man working as a sales associate at RadioShack. I’m not even a manager!”
(Baltimore, MD) High-pitched shrieks and hysterical, flailing women brought the afternoon symposium at the National Feminist Convention (NFC) in Baltimore to a halt Friday afternoon when a mouse ran across the floor of the packed Baltimore Convention Center.
The more than 12,000 women in attendance stood up in their chairs and began screaming during a keynote speech by Sally Rogers, president of Woman Power, a non-profit organization that fights for women’s
equality in the workplace.
Rogers, who was speaking on the fallacy that women can’t do some jobs men can, said the sudden cries from the crowd startled her.
“I noticed a lady in the third row was pointing down the aisle with a look of complete horror on her face. Then, the pandemonium started,” said Rogers, who broke a nail attempting to climb on top of the podium.
Kathy Dyson, a New York attorney, said she nearly fainted when the tiny mouse crawled past her shoe.
“It all happened so fast. I saw his beady little eyes running toward me. The next thing I knew, he was running past my foot. His tail brushed against my shoe, which made me start gagging,” said Dyson, bursting into tears. “If only my boyfriend had been here.”
While women at the back of the room ran toward the exits, women at the front of the room were unable to move, as the innocuous rodent continued to scurry across the first few rows, blocking their escape. Several women began to shout for help, hoping one of the male convention staffers would come to the rescue.
“I kept looking around, hoping I could find something to throw at the repulsive creature. For the first time in my life, I wished I had a rolling pin,” said Rogers.
With multiple corpses recently exhumed from the local graveyard and the number of missing villagers on the rise, Transylvanian citizens met Thursday evening to discuss rumors that Dr. Ivan Vonderkill, the new resident of Vonderkill Castle, has constructed a monster assembled from reanimated corpses.
Vonderkill’s grandfather unleashed a half-dead killing monstrosity 50 years ago. His family legacy along with recent bouts of loud laughter ringing from Vonkerkill Castle helped citizens decide the best plan of action was to form an angry mob and storm the castle.
“I say we go up there and show the good doctor that we won’t stand for a repeat of his grandfather’s crimes against nature! Let’s storm the castle!” screamed local farmer Olaf Van Buren.
Despite outraged cries of agreement, the hastily assembled mob failed to storm the castle due to a complete lack of organization. The first signs of trouble emerged when the mob realized no one brought torches.
“I thought it was Victor’s turn,” said Van Buren, whose accusations were denied by local shepherd Victor Wunderfurd. Wunderfurd insisted that he brought torches to the last angry mob march, and it was someone else’s turn. In addition, there wasn’t a single pitchfork in sight, as member after member of the angry mob quietly agreed bringing pitchforks completely slipped their minds.
While nothing could be done for the absent pitchforks, many members of the angry mob began their march holding cell phones in the air, their dim glow a sad substitute for the unavailable torches. Finally, at the urging of Van Buren, the cell phones were put away.
(New York) It all started last month when Lance Hobson arrived at his apartment with exciting news to share with his roommate, Jason Riley. Hobson had just found out he was being promoted at his accounting firm.
“I ran into the living room and saw Jason sitting on the sofa. I told him I had big news to share with him. But at the exact time I said that, he said he had big news to share with me. After we kept talking over each other with the exact same statements,
we laughed and I told him go first. He then told me the devastating news that he had been laid off,” said Hobson.
As soon as Riley finished his news, he asked Hobson what his good news was. Hobson awkwardly replied that it was nothing, hating to gloat about his new promotion after just learning his roommate was jobless.
“Jason didn’t even press me. As soon as I said it was nothing, he just walked away. I thought that was odd, especially considering how awkward I was acting. I mean, I’m sure my face was all lit up when I walked in, so you’d think he would want to know what my big news was,” said Hobson.
That was when Hobson had the startling realization that his life has become nothing but one television cliché after another.
“Looking back now, it’s so obvious. I don’t know why I didn’t catch it sooner,” said Hobson, pausing to answer a call from a friend inviting him to dinner. “See? I just agreed to go to dinner with someone, but you never heard me mention a time or location. It was just, ‘Let’s go to dinner tonight!’ How will we know when and where to meet? And I didn’t even say goodbye when I hung up!”
(Langdon, VA) Langdon County resident Kevin Tucker’s decaying
flesh and constant craving for human brains have local health experts suspecting he may have contracted swine flu after a recent trip to Mexico. County health officials are awaiting test results to determine
if Tucker contracted swine flu after vacationing in Cancun in August with his girlfriend, Megan Johnson.
“Brains!” shouted Tucker during a phone interview, indicating how his test results are constantly on his mind. “Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnns!”
Johnson is also awaiting test results, though she has exhibited no symptoms. However, for her own safety, Johnson hasn’t been around her boyfriend since Saturday.
“What a difference a month makes,” said Johnson. “Last month, we were relaxing on the sunny beaches of Cancun, not a care in the world. Well, there was one incident where a man approached Kevin on the beach and started biting his face. But other than that, our trip was wonderful!”
According to Johnson, Tucker first exhibited symptoms on the flight back from Cancun.
(Macon, GA) The toddlers at Hillcrest Public Library’s Saturday Morning Storytime thought they were gearing up for a morning of enjoying the wacky antics of Clifford the Big Red Dog. But halfway through Clifford at the Circus, the story was interrupted by the angry cries of local resident Gary Lawson.
“I was holding up the book so the children could see an illustration of Clifford trying to juggle like a clown, when suddenly, this man stands up in the back of the room and starts screaming about how he’s tired of public libraries trying to take away his health care,” said Librarian Tammy Carlson. “Several of the children began to cry, and it got worse as he continued to yell some nonsense about how stories about big red dogs distract people from the fact that book publishers are taking away our health care. Several of the parents tried to quiet him, but it just made him get louder.”
This wasn’t the first public assembly Lawson has interrupted. For the past two weeks, Lawson has appeared at every local meeting, forum, ceremony and social gathering to violently spew incoherent thoughts about the ongoing health care debate. Lawson began his never-ending tirade at a town hall meeting several weeks ago. After being asked to leave by security, he began a citywide shouting tour to share his disjointed views on health care.
While no formal charges have been brought against Lawson, police have been called on several occasions. One heated moment occurred when Lawson showed up to rant at an in-store home improvement clinic at The Home Depot.
I recently had a chance to sit down with a talented musician and former star of one of the biggest TV shows of all time. Unfortunately, I missed my flight and had to cancel my interview with Reba McEntire. However, I did run into Paula Abdul in the parking lot of a CVS Pharmacy. After I refused to forge a doctor’s signature on her counterfeit prescription, she asked if I would like to interview her. I reluctantly agreed.
Atomic Icebox: You’ve been in the spotlight for the past week over the shocking news that you will not return to American Idol.
Paula Abdul: I’m not? I don’t remember agreeing to that. Who are you? Where am I? And why am I sucking on a roll of quarters? [She removes an entire roll of quarters from her mouth.]
AI: Reports indicate that Fox didn’t offer you the money you felt you deserved. Does it bother you that Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell get paid such huge salaries, yet they couldn’t meet your demands?
PA: Absolutely! It’s not like I was asking for that much. All I wanted was an extra $8 million and a five-year supply of horse tranquilizers. They countered with $2 million and a measly one-year supply of cat sedatives, so I walked.
PA: Fine. Drunkenly stumbled away and then passed out in a dumpster.